A Post from the Heart…

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This is not going to be the usual blog post. I feel as though I am in meltdown mode and need to share from my heart tonight. I am incredibly sad. First of all my 92 year old dad is very ill. Not a surprise you say–no it isn’t. But it scares me and I will not pretend it doesn’t. Secondly we are going through some major changes at work in regards to computer systems, and neither is that such as surprise as we have been preparing for this for over a year, gone through training and as much preparation as possible, and yet I will not deny it too scares me greatly as it will cause major changes to both the workflow and general order of things yet again. Lastly I had an unexpected conflict yesterday with someone I do not even know in person, and to his credit and mine, and mostly God’s, we were able to work it out. But it still makes me sad. I feel utterly alone, tired, and my coping mechanisms seem to be at an all-time low. I know what our Lord Jesus Christ and the Church teaches and I believe it, and were I in the least an actual saintly sort I would just “bear my cross” with delirious joy but it is not within me to do so this time around. Certainly not within myself at least.

So–I suppose I am just saying I am worn out, discouraged, and frankly feeling that pretty much no one gets it. No one quite gets how tired or how weak I feel, or how angry I am getting at both God and the entire world. And when I do dare to express it, or even hint at it, people unwittingly get into advice mode when I just need a very long and heartfelt hug rather than any particular counsel. I then shut down for a bit and eventually pick myself up and force myself to sound positive and try again. And no one gets how increasingly desperate I feel over and over. Instead they seem to feel I am perhaps coddling myself and they do not see how paralyzed I am becoming inside.

It is no one’s fault as such and this isn’t written to blame a soul. But I think at times we just need someone to let us cry, maybe perhaps even weep, and good old celibate and independent me has no one to do that with other than FB and the social media. I have friends and family and they are precious to me, and I do not take one thing away from them in saying this. But I am at the point in life where there are very few I can turn to in these more sensitive corners of my life, and frankly even those closest to me have their own issues and no time. My intellect gets it but my gut doesn’t.

If you wish to help me then, and I know many reading this will and do, please just pray for me and no advice please. I know all of the “answers.” I do not mean that haughtily, but more so just saying that I am able to dish out the answers as well as anyone I know. It is that application of truth that seems insurmountable just about now. A caring word or prayer are in fact far more to the point here. And it will get better. That I do know. I just do not know when. But I do know that Advent is a season of waiting. And after that comes Christmas. I am hanging on to that hope during an otherwise very dark time in my time. Anyway thanks for reading. And mostly for your prayers and caring.

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7 thoughts on “A Post from the Heart…

  1. Dear Richard – I wish I could say something to console you, send you a hug? I’m sorry your dad is not doing well – I’m so sorry you aren’t either. What a difficult life – huh? I’m kind of in the same frame of mind – if that is any consolation. Gosh I wish there was something I could say – but I do pray – for you – every night – I really do. Take heart.

    Terry

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    1. WHAT a kind soul you are!!! Thanks so much for that Terry, I will admit my prayer life has been up and down this last few weeks but I will do better and definitely pray for you too! Thanks for your words. They help.

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  2. Francis Anthony

    Richard,Both you and your dad are in my prayers. As stupid as this sounds, this message comes with a bear hug.Rod

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  3. Hey Richard. I can promise you my friend that I will really pray for you. I get up each day at 4am and got to my local Church and expose the Blessed Sacrament. Of all the people who would ever have become intercessors I am the least likely but the more I go to Adoration the more I sense a deep desire to pray for others. Rest assured that here in Australia I will beg God on my knees to meet the deepest needs of your weary heart and soul.

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